


Approval

by Actually_Felicity_Smoak



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 1x04, And angst, Feels, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, So much angst, Spoilers, so much feels, wicked-angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7266076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Felicity_Smoak/pseuds/Actually_Felicity_Smoak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver took such a big risk, revealing himself to Digg in 1x04. I think it would have broken his heart when Digg rejected him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Approval

"I gotta go to the washroom, Rob." Oliver could feel his voice sticking in his throat, tried to calm himself down. He struggled to walk calmly until he was out of sight of Digg and Rob. Fortunately he'd scouted Big Belly before, and escape was easy -- the hall to the restrooms also had the fire escape, and the there was no alarm attached. He just walked down the hall as if he were actually heading to the toilet and just ... kept right on going. 

It was a one-story building, and they kept dumpsters out back; getting to the roof was trivial. _No one ever looks up..._ even after years of lurking, it amazed him how easily you could hide in the third dimension. 

It didn't take long, actually. Rob burst out the front door, looking around frantically, perhaps 90 seconds later. Either Rob was getting faster on the uptake, or -- Oliver snorted softly -- Digg had tipped him off. 

But Rob was not the person he most wanted to avoid at this moment. Oliver lay flat on the restaurant rooftop, peering over the edge, until John Diggle walked out. Oliver prepared to duck out of sight, but Diggle just walked to his car and drove away. Oliver let out his breath, turned around, and curled himself up, leaning against the AC unit. 

_What the hell did you do that for?_ he berated himself. He'd had it planned out. He would show Digg the list. Explain the research he'd done, what these people were doing. He had sound, reasoned arguments to present, and he would walk through them calmly.

Instead, he'd panicked. _What the fuck, man?_ Snatched the book away, and blurted out that story about his father in the life raft. _What. The. Fuck._

Oliver buried his face in his hands. He couldn't help it. Something about Digg just made him feel... safe? He usually had no difficulty keeping himself locked down, but somehow, around John, things slipped out that he didn't mean to say or do. 

_**I need to right the wrongs done by my family, and I'm offering you a chance to right the wrongs done to yours.**_ What an arrogant ass he must have sounded like. How could he expect Diggle to understand how he burned inside, thinking of what his father had done? How frantically he _needed_ to fix things up as best he could?

 _And now I've probably lost my chance._ If Digg hadn't decided to turn him in already, that scene had to have done it. _**They see nothing wrong with raising themselves up by stepping on other people's throats.**_ How melodramatic can you get? He ought to chase after Diggle -- apologize -- try again. 

Except... he couldn't take it back. Not one word. However little he'd intended to, he'd spoken straight truth, for once in his life. 

And though it would cost him his only friend, he wouldn't compound his sins by lying to Diggle any more.

Oliver swallowed, and blinked back tears. _Enough of this_. He might only have a few hours left in which to work. He needed to make the most of them. Time to see what Laurel needed to save Peter Declan. 

\----------------

Later, staring at his ceiling pretending to sleep, he wondered if he hadn't, at some level, screwed it up on purpose. If he just wanted out of this life, out of this responsibility, and some weak, dishonorable part of him had identified the best way to accomplish that. Just open up, let Diggle see how damaged and useless he was, and thereby eliminate forever any possibility that John could be talked into joining...

Oliver rolled onto his side and stared at the wall.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oliver crossed Jason Brodeur off the list, then sat in the foundry and stared at the wall. He ought to be planning his next target, but it was hard, with this threat hanging over his head. Would he have time to accomplish anything? Should he pass the book on to Laurel? 

His cell phone rang -- the home landline. Normally he'd've ignored it, but what else did he have to do right now? "Hello?"

"Mister Oliver, Mister Diggle is here to see you."

"Thank you, Lisolette. I'll be there shortly."

Oliver hung up the phone, and closed his eyes. _Here it comes._ It would have been more merciful to just call the cops, but if Digg felt he deserved a personal scolding as well, then... Oliver would endure it. He would endure whatever Diggle wanted. It would be no more than he deserved. 

\---

He couldn't help but slow down as he entered the parlor. Whatever came next was going to hurt as much as anything that had happened on Lian Yu. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, and tried for a joke. "You here for the bodyguard position? Cuz... the new guy just quit."

"No, I'm not." A tiny, last spark of hope -- that Oliver hadn't realized he was carrying --went out.

"I'm here about the other position."

His mind froze; his head jerked up in surprise. For three or four full seconds, he couldn't respond at all. Finally his hand turned out in the smallest gesture. _What?_

"Just to be clear, I'm not signing on to be a sidekick. But you're right." Digg took a breath. "Fighting for this city needs to be done." 

Oliver stared, looking Diggle up and down for clues that would help him figure out what was going on. _I don't understand..._

"..and you're gonna do this with or without me."

_I ... If you'll let me. Don't you know you can kill this with a word?_ He managed, finally, to speak, although it came out in a whisper. "Yeah."

"But with me, there'll be fewer casualties. Including you."

_Don't... please..._ "Diggle, I'm not looking for anybody to save me." _It's way too late for that. And I'm not worth it._

John shrugged, and it was, somehow, the most comforting thing Oliver could imagine. "Maybe not. But you need someone just the same." John stepped forward, and Oliver stared, barely breathing, terrified that he was misunderstanding. "You are fighting a war, Queen. Except you have no idea what war does to you. How it scrapes off little pieces of your soul." That did stop his breath, it so perfectly described what he'd gone through the last 5 years _and before.._. "And you need someone to remind you of who you are. Not this thing you're becoming." John offered his hand, for all the world as if Oliver was an honorable comrade, that John would be glad to fight beside.

His eyes darted around the room, trying to comprehend, searching for alternative interpretations. He looked down at John's hand, then up to his face. There was only one explanation... _You mean...?_ Oliver took Diggle's hand, felt warmth and support flow through the connection. _So that's what it feels like to have a parent approve of you._

_I... I never knew._

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing a series from Digg's perspective (http://archiveofourown.org/works/5709982) and this scene just kind of... happened.


End file.
